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IYH BLOG: Neal’s Photocopying and General Human Existence Tips

After several years experience in the world of clerical office work, and decades of existence as a human being, I’ve built up a lot of knowledge and tips about both photocopying and human existence. Here, for the first time in one place, everything I know about these vital life skills.

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  • If you point a gun at somebody to threaten them, be sure to imply that you intend to hit them over the head with it. This draws a shorter sentence than a threatened shooting.
  • If you put a dog’s collar and lead on a cat, the dog is likely to escape.
  • If you have five hundred blank sheets of paper, and you make two copies of each, you’ll have two thousand altogether if you count them incorrectly.
  • Ladies: Saved-up fingernail clippings make excellent glue-on fingernails for that special occasion.
  • If you built four tennis courts on top of each other, you’d only be able to use the top one unless you leave gaps between them.

 

  • If you photocopy a blank sheet of paper, then fax the copy to somebody, it’s exactly the same as sending the original.
  • The letter Z is pronounced “Zed”. However, the “Z” in “Zed” is pronounced “Zee”. That ‘s what the diplomats would have you believe, anyway.
  • If you photocopy a sheet of black paper with the brightness turned up really high, you’ll get a blank white sheet that you can use again.
  • Contrary to popular misunderstanding, dental records rarely survive catastrophic events such as plane crashes and explosions. Always make a backup.
  • If you make eight hundred and seventy-two copies of a blank sheet of paper, you’d better have a damn good business case for wasting all that stationery.
  • The grass is always greener on the other side. For that reason, using a grass roller in the correct direction can make your lawn appear greener.

For more occasional dollops of this sort of thing, follow me @intoyourheadpod on Twitter, and listen to my podcast, Into Your Head.

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