First published 2004
I’ve been toying with the idea of giving up alcohol permanently, and substituting it with sweets or something. I find that I’m becoming addicted to it’s medicinal qualities, and rarely does a week go by when I don’t "accidentally" get a bruise on my knee, and dab it with an alcohol-soaked squab to disinfect it.
Experts believe that there is a particular pore behind our knees which, when exposed to sunlight, can lead to us feel happier. This is unfortunate for me, because the last thing my knees need when they’re hung-over, is the sun shining down on them. I’ve always found, though, that alcohol makes me happy. It may be because beer cans here in Ireland come with a Dilbert comic printed on them, or it may be that I’m a raving alcoholic. Either way, I’ve finally come to the conclusion that it’s time to grasp the bull by the steering-wheel, admit that I have a problem, and go to AA Ireland. I’ll ask them whether they’ll reduce my motor insurance premium if I stop drinking.
The Automobile Association has always been a fine refuge for those of us who like to drink. Before I finally collapse for the night, I always make sure to fall into a car that has an "AA Member" sticker on the windscreen. For one thing, I love the yellow and black logo. And it may interest you to know that I’ve deleted a rather poor bit here about a Russian cartoon that used to be shown on Irish television in the nineteen eighties. But besides that, it’s always lovely when I wake up with a massive headache, and all I have to do is call up a mechanic to fix the window that somehow got broken during the night. He usually turns up within half and hour and brings tea and doughnuts, so that’s breakfast taken care of. I’ve thought about asking them to bring a change of clothing too, but recently I’ve found that if I just concentrate, I can aim the other way and I don’t get any vomit on them at all usually.
It’s very important, when reclaiming your body from alcohol and becoming a tee-totaller that you cleanse out your body by having plenty of fruits and juices and healthy crap like that. For that reason, I’ve taken to drinking a lot of apple juice. Well I did, that is, until last night, when there was a documentary on the Discovery Channel about fruit juices. I didn’t see it, but it was in the TV listings, and apparently it said that apple juice is pretty much the same as cider. Since cider comes in larger cans than traditional apple juice, I’ve decide to switch to cider. That way I’ll get even more apple juice into my system, and it won’t be long until I’m permanently "dry".
I’ve always been a great admirer of the Discovery Channel, ever since I discovered it. There is now nothing that I don’t know about how zebras fuck each other in the wilderness. And my sex-life is all the better and richer for it. I’ve learned an awful lot from these programmes, and have put much of it into practice. Yesterday I took a little trip to the zoo on the way home, and had a great time. They sell lovely ice-cream there, too.
That reminds me. Many of you probably have probably always assumed that ducks don’t care if there’s a huge Noah-style flood. This is rather short-sighted of you. When the water-level rises to the highest mountaintops, as it did in biblical times, the ducks have to swim at a much higher altitude than normal, unless they manage to get their hands on some stand-by tickets for a passing ark. Obviously during Noah’s kick-ass biblical flood, oxygen tanks were at a premium, but Noah had to supply them to every duck on the planet. Otherwise, what you would have had was an ark with hundreds of ducks swimming around beside it, quacking sarcastically and making Noah look ridiculous, by implying that they were managing to survive without any help from him whatsoever. At least if he supplied the oxygen tanks Noah could take credit for their on-going good health, and not look like an idiot.
Obviously this ate into Noah’s costs quite a bit. He cut back by not having any cats on board. As a result, all of the cats which we have in the world today are completely free of sin, as they are all descended from cats who were born after the flood, which according to the bible was sent to kill off all the evil cats in the world. That’s why cats are always licking themselves, by the way. They were born at a time when there was still a lot of dampness around after the flood, and so they are not used to being dry, and have to cover themselves with saliva to make themselves feel normal. For the same reason, cats are very uncomfortable with the idea of using anti-perspirants. They just can’t stand being dry.
Anyway, till next time, I’m Neal , and I’m seriously thinking of getting a cat.(First published 2004)