Matchstick Cats the webcomic by @NeaLireland - MatchstickCats.com IYH BLOG: Neal’s Brief History of Television | Matchstick Cats the webcomic
IYH BLOG: Neal’s Brief History of Television | Matchstick Cats the webcomic

IYH BLOG: Neal’s Brief History of Television

A relic from one of my old websites, first published in 2004.

Accordian According to archaeologists, television was first discovered by Neanderthals in the early twentieth century. Originally known as "telly fishing", the first systems did not require a TV set, but only a lucky few who were telepathic, could receive the transmissions. "Telly Fishing" meant scanning the psychic bandwidths for a TV programme, in other words, fishing for telly. Later it was discovered that psychically receiving broadcasts in this way had caused major health problems in the viewers.

The highly-paid transmitters, very highly psychic individuals who were capable of telepathically transmitting programmes to millions of viewers at a time, were much sought-after and highly paid, but tragically tended to burn themselves out in their mid-twenties, due to high pressure and the limited life-span of the television tube.

The television set is thought to have been invented by John Yogi Bear, who himself later went on to enjoy a career as a much-loved TV character. Television is transmitted in "waves", through "the sea", which is why at times of full moon and high tides, your television reception improves dramatically.

Most television programmes start their lives with a "pilot". Due to auto piloting technology, the people who fly commercial aircraft now have a lot of time on their hands during flights, so the pilots make sample episodes of TV programmes, to be shown to the networks. The sad irony is that most aeroplanes do not themselves have live TV reception, and have to make do with pre-recorded programmes and movies.

Many TV stations carry a bulletin of news on a regular basis. Everything that is said during these "news", is entirely true and accurate. However, there is one exception. The presenter is allowed to lie or exaggerate a news story as long as they are shown to be crossing their fingers. Most networks get around this by getting the newscaster to cross his or her fingers behind their backs, filming it from behind with an extra camera, and showing the crossed fingers on a separate channel, conveniently placed on a hard-to-receive frequency, but technically within the law and above board.

And that’s everything that you need to know about television. All that’s left is for you to test your knowledge with this quiz. All of the answers can be found on your television.

  1. In the X Files, how many actual filing clerks are there? Not counting part-timers
  2. Is there life on other planets?

Well done! You are now eight percent less ignorant that your were when you started! Your diploma will be posted sometime in the next twenty eight years. And remember, if you’re not spending at least six hours a day watching television, you’re missing out on life.

About the author: The guy who wrote this is a psychopath..

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